Review it?

Guys, my life has way more pressure on it than before. Why? My pastor's wife has asked me to review her book. It is not yet published, and was wondering if I could tell her if it was any good.

Feel sorry for me yet?

Mrs. Ceri: Did you like it?
Me: Uh, yeah! *nervous laugh* 
Mrs. Ceri: Oh good! What was bad about it?
Me: Nothing! Nothing was wrong with it! It was perfect! Absolutely perfect! Hey is it just me or is it really hot in here? *starts sweating* *dashes off quickly*

An hour later:
"Great! Now I lied to my pastor's wife in church! Darn! Now I'm gonna have to pray and give an offering…Darn it!" (This was sarcasm, for those of you who were confused.)

Okay, that is not how it will go. I hope. But this is not the point.

I want to tell you guys how I think a book should be reviewed. (This post is more so I know how I will review her book)

Step 1: Please, please, please be honest. I wouldn't ask people what they thought off my writing if I didn't want an honest opinion. If you said that the book was horrible and the author began crying, she should never have asked you. So tough nubs, author!

Step 2: Be nice. Wait, you just told me to be honest? How can I be nice and honest at the same time? Okay. Here is the bomb. If you hated their work, and all of it was terrible (which I doubt it was) and they really had no hope of ever being published, tell them what you liked, and leave out most of the stuff you didn't like. For example:

The girl sat up.
 "Where am I?" She asked.
"In a dungeon. Where the keys are kept. See, right there, on that hook." A guard pointed to a hook.
Now I can get out! She thought.

That is an actually paragraph from my earlier writing in second grade. Sad, I know.

Wanna B. Author: How'd you like it?
You: It was, uh, interesting. A new writing style!
Wanna B. Author: Oh thanks! What didn't you like?
You: Uh, I thought the plot was really…simple, but if you thought it was complex, that's all that matters, right? 
(You hurry away really quickly)

Step 3: Use red ink. Not literally guys, but don't judge it by who wrote it or how good you want it to be. Use sense. They ask you to edit/review it, that's what they want you to do! Look for loose ends, bad plot bits, wrong characters, and mechanics.

Step 4: Encourage them. If it was amazing, and should really be published, but they think it is crazy bad, tell them your opinion. Tell them to give it to other people to review, and see what they think. Or, if they're a Christian, just play the "God Card".

Ima Writer: I don't think I should try to get published.
You: Well, that's up to you. But this morning in Church, I felt God saying you should try to get published.
Ima: Really? Well...maybe it was your imagination.
(looks at Ima Writer incredulously.)
You: Are you doubting God?

Yeah, um....please don't do that. (Click here for "Playing the God Card." by Blimey Cow!)

So there you have it, "Jordan's guide to reviewing a book." Enjoy, gentle reader!

Happy Writing!
Scarlet

P.S Mrs. Ceri's book was quite lovely (Seriously) and so she was quite gracious about it when I told her about the stuff I didn't like about it. Pheww!